just thoughts

as i sit here in my dorm, staring blankly into my laptop's screen, i have thoughts about life
much of it is whether or not there is a god
sometimes its just about what am i doing with my life
a lot of my thoughts ponder on the very existence of the human soul
nowadays i think of what its like if i were a guy
then all these thoughts of college come in
will i fail my classes?
will i find that passion?
what will i major?
as these thoughts descend into a further state of mind
i think to myself
humans are the most complex species in the world
we have these thoughts of color
these thoughts of feelings
dreams and memories
it's just one of those days where you wish you could know
everything in the world
what is life to you?

a gift from god

Today, I broke down in class while I was presenting my paintings. Seeing me cry, my teacher gave me some time to recuperate and as I was calming myself down, my Professor came and hugged me. Ever since my freshman year, my Professor has been there for me- comforting me and encouraging me to be who I want to be in life. Much of the reasons why I'm still holding strong is because of the kind and loving support my Professor gave me and I believe God gave me her to help guide me along this tough path in college. After class ended, a lot of students gave me encouraging words and this one individual named Gabby, introduced me to a whole new world where we could be inspired and express ourselves. Honestly, she showed me "Challenge Day", and well... :) encouraged me to go. I broke down in a crowd of older people, older students, and showed my vulnerability. It was a raw experience.. Having Gabby give me hugs and a little calming talk gave me all the inspiration in the world that we can change people's lives.
I think God is giving me a message..

"We are all one people if united, we can be love and peace".

i learned a valuable lesson in friendship, gained a new friend, and experienced a whole new vision.

I dont know what the purpose of this message is..

but there's always caring people out there..you just gotta open your eyes.

they just might be your guardian angels.

those days

Today is one of those days where you realize your life is full of mysteries. It's those days where you just wished it was a rainy day so you could listen to coldplay in the background while watching the rain splatter peacefully on the window. Often times, it's those type of days where you wished it was cold so you had an excuse to hide in bed all day, snuggling inside the warm comforts of your blanket. Sigh, its just one of those days.

uncontrollable

Lusting for the sweet taste of alcohol

I know no bounds of where to fall

I drink i drank slowly i sank

Into the  dark abyss of no return

I woke up feeling regret

Spewing spilling i threw up vomit

The bitter taste so sour brings disgust

Alcohol has controlled me

Ive deflowered my virgin lust

My lust for the  vile bitter remedy

Ive become an alcoholic

honestly dreamt I drank alcohol till it killed me.
poem about my nightmare.

Train ride

Today, I decided to ride the train back home to SJ. Realizing that it would prove difficult going alone, I asked a friend to join me. Knowing she had more experience riding trains back to SJ, it made my experience much more interesting. I honestly can tell you guys that it was boring but memorable. I wrote this poem in dedication of that experience. enjoy.

Rickety rails

dusty old mirrors

the sound of the train

zones in and out of my ear drums

looking past the mirrored windows

I see the world in a bird's eye view

the city's buildings and it's streets

the country road and nature's trees

pass me by like memories in a flashback

suddenly darkness overwhelms me

only for an instance

I open my eyes

sunlight catches me

with its radiant light

setting down

in the ocean blue skies

behind the potato like hills

we call beautiful in California

slowly i sleep

the buzzing sounds of the train

echo like mosquitoes in the background

of an urban jungle

I drift away

as the rail roads sigh

as the train takes me

slowly back home

From the ipod :3

P 5

College

 Here I am contemplating while               
The fizz of an energy drink                         
fuels my dreary soul
here I am
zombified
staring blankly
at my computer screen
I feel nothing but tiredness
my frail aching hands shake
lethargy overcoming me as I
skillfully manipulate this thing
like a pianist and his piano I am
a technician on his techy cellphone
or better yet I am just a slave to
technology always following
blindly listening as if I am no
more than a puppet with no
soul I am a student who
is driven to madness
who sees nothing but
utter stress and sadness
who feels pressured and isolated
who's best friend consist of caffeine
coffee has become my inanimate
friend my source of power
my sole joy why is  life so hard
in a sense where we see nothing
but pursuing knowledge that should
be free and why is it that dreams we dream
of never come true without a piece of
paper to verify our security over our
dreams are we not a free country
is money that important
have I become one of 
many slaves in society
where we all work
a daily job where
we die soon
after only to
see our
children
follow the same path?

P4-the longest haiku.. for now

*taken by me *

 

The longest erotic? haiku ever

 

Her lips so luscious

it brings this feeling of lust

I cant hold my urge

to lay a finger on her

I crave to touch her

I crave for her soft caress

I crave for her love

my thoughts wander naughtily

where am I going?

will I taste her deep secrets

her mountainous breasts

her forest of a bosom

my mind stuck in space

will I see her everything?

god its hard to know

slowly im dreaming of her

I drift off to sleep

my mind focused onto her

like gum on man's shoes

 

 

 

 



P3

I took this picture and it inspired in me a poem

I found a lonely bench

 

Sat down as the calm wind blew on my face

 

grey was the sky

 

cool was the wind

 

my thoughts pooling in

 

what was I doing with my life?

 

Never have I felt so isolated

 

Never have I felt so cold

 

Going nowhere

 

oh so lost

 

My friend, the bench

 

carry me as  I carry my thoughts

 

breaking my back

 

as I drag with me

 

the crucifix

 

liberation is not too far away.

T2 thoughts on being a guy

Greetings everyone!

It's interesting to see some views on here. I don't know whether or not they're bots or if they're the real deal, but it encourages me to post more on this blog. Lately, I've been feeling so unmotivated. I don't know why or what is causing this huge feeling of negativity but I hope it clears up soon.
I've been pondering a lot on the idea of being a man. Strange right? Back in the 60's or so, that idea would have been considered a "mental illness" and I would have been put in some mental asylum to rot for the rest of my life. (Thank goodness for this generation's  open minded view on freedom of expression) Anyways, back to the point. I've honestly had these feelings that I'm actually a guy in a woman's body. Maybe or maybe not. It really does make me wonder.

 Would it have greatly changed my relationship with my girlfriend? (another story to be told some other day)

Would I have been more outgoing?

 more courageous?

Would my parents be proud?

 Would I live a life knowing that men have more of an advantage in the working force?

All these other thoughts come into mind and lead up to this one idea: I want to be a guy.

I don't know most of the time what I want. I'm so uncertain.

I often reflect on what the outcomes would be if I were to transition from this feminine body.

My mother and maybe my family would reject me knowing that coming out gay was difficult.

Then again, I'd be happy. I'd be free. Also, I'd feel like me.

Society would find me disgusting. Religious people would condemn me to hell.

I'd have a body I'd feel so comfortable in

Costs of  T-shots and surgery

Girlfriend would be able to marry me... Maybe..?

All these thoughts all these thoughts.

Never realized how hard it would be to be who you really want to be.

Sigh.

Liberation comes at a high price. But is it worth it all?

Thoughts T1

I've never felt so isolated here in college. Even though I surround myself with people I've come to know as friends, it still feels like there's an empty void inside me. What is it about me that causes me to think of such things, to feel so much stress, and to feel all this dissatisfaction in life?
Argh. College as a freshman first generation low class family student with no form of knowing where and what to do in life is hard.
I miss being a child
I miss being happy
I wish I didn't have to find out about things the hard way
I sound so bratty and spoiled
I know.
Oh well.
It's just one of those moments.

P2: Transgender

I had those days where I would ponder on the "what ifs" in life. One of those thoughts inspired me to write this poem. I dedicate this poem to those who are transgendered and are still hiding within the shadows of the closet. You are not alone.


Deep inside there was a man
shouting and screaming
to break out
of this god forsaken place
enclosed and hidden away
from society's eyes
he is stigmatized by
what they call him
a monster.
gnawing at his skin,
so tender so soft
tearing out his hair,
so lush and long
he screams and shouts
only to hear shrieks and pouts
his bulging muscles
hidden behind delicate
slender limbs
sadly he is more than
another body
trapped inside another
he cries and cries streams of water
all leading into a pool
there he drowns
drowns in his own misery
his own yearning
to escape and be free
deep down he is lost within
the
delicate
body
of
a
woman

P1: sugared coffee

I woke up with blood shot eyes
got out of bed and went downstairs
I grimace as I hear voices in my head
screaming and shouting
sat down in the kitchen
and slowly drank
the bitter potion
my remedy
took a shot of brandy as it
swished between my teeth
poured sugar all over
trying to sweeten the taste
bitter and somewhat sweet
I chugged my life away.

day 1- the beginning

Hey everyone.
Im KC and I have decided that I'd blog my life, my thoughts, and feelings onto this. I'm a beginner so I apologize if I make some mistakes on this. *worried face* Anyways, like most formal greetings, let me introduce myself to you all (even though I wont be getting much readers). I am 18, my birthday is on September and I'm fond of poetry, music, cooking, and drawing. Although I scored 56% introvert on most of these personality traits online, I enjoy the company of others once I've gotten to know them for a while. I love adventure, exploring, going to new places, thrift shopping, and eating new foods. I am shy at first, but if you get to know me, You'll find me somewhat interesting.
I have weird daydreams of surviving in the wild, fishing for food, and gathering wood and berries like Bear Grylls. Hmm... I like purple and blue.. I tend to ramble on about pointless things.. And I have this "nice guy" mentality.
I am also Filipino, but I was born in Singapore. Many people think I am Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean, and Japanese because of my light skinned complexion. My parents were born in Philippines and I have 4 older sisters and 2 brothers who are young.
I'm 5'5 or maybe 5'6.
I also identify myself as a tomboy or gay.
Sometimes I think I'm a guy trapped in a girl's body.. but that thought I will share to you later on.
Hmm.
Not really into sports.
I like to watch and observe.
I wear glasses.
I like Tibetan mastiffs.
:D