if only

if only you knew how much i wanted to be me

to be free of these chains and the misery

if only you know how much i hurt

how much it hurts to be

this being that no one knows

that i so hate with a passion

i want to grow

i have goals to achieve

a mindset and dream

i have nothing to show

if only you knew your daughter is growing up

growing into someone

she wants to be

for once open your eyes and see

she wants to love and be loved

by the person she cares for

she wants to be independent

and never have to lament

to dependency

like the women in the 3rd world

always dependent of their husbands

i dont want to be that woman

to be bound by a chain

a chain on the neck 

gripped by a husband

no, i dont want to be that woman

if only you knew how much she wanted to help

to achieve such dreams that you 

that you break into smithereens

if only you knew she wanted to be free

to see the world

to experience the world

to feel the world

to love the world

rather than hate the world

and all of its inhabitants

if only you knew

Secret life of an alter ego online

Everyday I wake up and play this game called "The world of magic"- and every time that I play this game, I slowly but deeply find myself falling in love with a girl who knows not my true existence as a girl but only my alter ego as a boy named "Jakob". 

This is the story of how a girl fell in love with a girl online through a video game.  

Day 1:

I never really had an intention to date someone online through a video game. I was always more of a person who would just focus on the schematics of a game- leveling up, killing monsters, and adventuring my heart's content. Yeah, that's just me. In real life, I'm this loser who is more focused on the virtual life of a game than real life. It always bored me yknow? I found that the real life was too much of a bore- too much drama, too much shit that happens when you don't expect it, and just too much of everything. 

I felt as if the virtual world of video games and social media was an escape for me. 

Maybe that's why I decided to be a boy online.

-

I decided that I'll be doing random collages and such. Random thoughts. Random poetry. Random everything.

the city is man's urban jungle

lonely girl

there stood a girl

the weather so

cold and chilly her breath

flew into the air 

disappearing and fading 

away her breath touched 

the grey skies

Lonely was the girl

who stood near the lamp

the darkness of the street

as she flashed her legs

her busty chest

her intoxicating pink lipstick

on her delicate lips

so fresh so tensed

there she stood

in a busy yet lonely street

she calls her own

putting aside her dreams

to be inspiring and to see

what should have been

if not for poverty

for inequality

for pain

for sorrow

for rape

for loneliness

away she threw her dreams

into the cold winter air

as she took her bag

and sold her dignity away

alone was the girl

who dreamt of seeing the world

alas she could only see

the dreary bed

the cold bed sheets

the husky smell

of another man 

bit by bit 

she wanders alone

walking the streets she calls..

her new home

with shame in her bag

her dignity shattering to pieces

she cries silently into the night

letting her self go

lonely was the girl

on 13th street

a girl who achieved straight A's

a girl who was loved 

a girl who wanted to become more

a lonely girl so broken

healing was too far

too slow

lonely was the girl

and to this day

she walks the streets

of shattered memories

her breath fading into dusk

her lipstick smeared

mascara dripping

through thick cut tears

lonely was the girl

lonely was forever her world

3/4/2014

Sometimes i feel im not myself anymore. Sometimes I feel confident about myself. Sometimes i just purely doubt my existence. The past previous days Ive been in this self loathing stage, becoming forgetful, and having this feeling of doing nothing. My days pass by so slowly as if oblivion isn't slow enough. Lethargic and confused, my mind is blurry and yet i feel as if i need to keep pushing forward. I dont know whether it is the gloomy weather that makes me feel like this or its just a phase in which all college students face..
i feel as if my happiness and soul has been sucked into a black hole abyss.
I really want to be happy and smile instead of being this robotic android like individual slaving away into a series of repeated day to day activities.
My mind is sucked into this monitor of life depriving monstrosity.
technology, though helpful, can be bittersweet.

to me from me

It's your second semester of your first year of college. I just want you to know that I'm proud of you for growing up into this wonderful and amazing person. I know you don't like talking about yourself and I know how much it's discomforting but I want you to know that you're beautiful in your own ways. Society can call you names and bring you down to the dirt, but you'll make it through. You're not alone.
 I speak for the other the gay women and men out there who are afraid of being themselves. Just like me, we're the same.
We are born once to experience life till death comes and harvests our souls.
You're meant to smile, to love, to be who you want to be.
I want you to be happy.
I want you to see that you're free.
I want you to be who you want to be.
I want you to be just like me.
a somebody
not a nobody

return

It has been a while since I've last posted on this page. Much of my time has been spent pondering on the ideas of what life would be like once I've graduated college. Most of the time, I feel as if there is a greater need for me to do something awesome. Awesome as in I want to change the world somehow. Much of these thoughts stem from my naive imagination; my crazy day dreams and such. I always wonder where I'll be, what position I hold as an individual in this sea of faceless bodies, and what I truly seek in life.
I guess I'll write some words to whoever reads these blogs.

It's good to be back.